A marked change in form, nature or appearance…

Caterpillars build a cocoon while it transforms into a beautiful butterfly…

I’m that caterpillar and I can feel my transformation everyday.

I’m on my way to meeting me!!

Today I was at Kmart with my son and he was being very difficult and just moping around the shop (he was the one who asked to go there)… this is something that I find extremely stressful… but it didn’t bother me… then at the checkout one of my items didn’t have a barcode and I could feel myself becoming triggered but I pulled myself out of it because I wasn’t worth wasting my energy on.

I feel happiness in my heart… calmness in my soul… I’m singing again and making plans for the future…

Weekly DBT was amazing tonight…

Apart from the content we studied… I had the opportunity before group started to have a chat to an absolutely beautiful soul who was recently diagnosed with BPD…

I no longer feel alone in this journey…

It was so refreshing to be able to talk through the things that I have experienced for such a long time with someone who gets it… I mean really gets it because they are living the ‘same’ journey…

I’m in such a great place right now!!!

I’ve come a long way in such a short time…

I can’t wait to meet myself in twelve months time!!!

For the first time ever my mind appears to have some clarity.

It’s like a physical fog is finally starting to clear from my brain and it feels fantastic!!

I decided to start my bachelor of community services tonight (I was already enrolled so why not right?)… and I was able to focus. It was amazing!!

I feel so pumped… and exhausted ’cause you know… its after midnight… but SOOOO PUMPED!!!

I was on the phone this morning (which very rarely ends well with this individual) but she was saying something about how I should be putting others needs above my own and I’m selfish for not being there for her- she is an expert in playing the guilt card (keep in mind that I’m a single mum with four children whose social calendars are overflowing, and she lives an hour away- plus now I physically can’t drive that far at the moment anyway… prolapsed disks- all the cool kids have them) I actually replied ‘No!!!… I’m number one from now on… if I keep utilising my resources on everyone else then there is nothing left for me… and that’s not ok!!’… Needless to say that the conversation ended pretty quickly after that.

It shocked me to the core because I’ve never ever considered myself to be number one however as I’ve had A LOT of time to reflect on past habits, and I learnt that I’ve never had anything left in the tank for myself… therefore for me to keep going I need to take a step back and practice self care.

Perhaps my hurting my back and being virtually house bound for what is feeling like forever… is the universes way of physically making me slow down so I can start taking care of myself.

This time to myself is allowing me to really delve deep into the skills in learning to master in DBT. I thought my mental health was deteriorating but its actually strengthening- whoda thought? Today for example I was able to watch a movie without doing anything except concentrating on that movie… That’s ‘one mindfulness’ right there. I was able to bring myself into ‘wise mind’ which is the happy medium between the logical mind and the emotional mind… I’ll give you three guesses where I usually sit… I’ve cooked dinner every night this week for my kids… yes the week is still young (2 days to be exact) but hey… remember… positives…

YAY FREAKING ME!!!

As I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram (hoping to come across some juicy pimple popping videos- yes I am that person!!!) I instead came across a photo of my usually smiling friend however today she had tears in her eyes, as I went onto read the blurb that went with the picture it really struck me that we all have our own demons… regardless of how at peace we may look to the outside world, we are all struggling with something (if I had a dollar for every person who said ‘but you look completely normal’ I’d never have to work another day in my life).

It is so easy to become so caught up in our own difficulties that we can forget to show love and compassion to those around us. To check in with our friends because we just assume that they are ok… (especially those with pre teen daughters- trust me we are not ok!!! lol).

Perhaps its important to be mindful of how we interact with others around us. Even if they appear rude to us. We don’t know their story…. We don’t know what happened before they walked into Woolies… Will a harsh reply make us feel better? Maybe momentarily… however if you’re anything like me it wont take long before you’re left feeling low for mistreating someone (regardless of who instigated the situation).

We are in charge of our own journey of happiness however it doesn’t cost anything to help someone along theirs… if we all did this imagine how amazing the world could be!!

Sometimes I wake up and have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me…

I have patterns to unlearn…

New behaviours to embody…

Wounds to heal…

There is nothing wrong with the core of me and who I am.

I am unlearning generations of harm and remembering that love takes time…

And repeat…

Some weeks are more difficult then others… this week however has been filled with important lessons which has made it a GREAT week!!!

I’ve learnt that people do love me…

I’ve learnt that loosing my shit at my children DOES NOT end in them washing the dishes any more efficiently…

I’ve learnt that turning 35 wasn’t so bad (my step son says I only look 20-25 years old- have I mentioned he is one of my favourites?)…

I’ve learnt that my friends are incredibly generous (well that isn’t exactly a new discovery but I experienced their generosity again this week)…

I learnt a few things about my mother… a few things are starting to make sense…

I learnt the amazing technique of TIPP in DBT on Wednesday night… we had to emerge our face into ice water for 20 seconds which cools down the brain (did you know your brain physically heats up when your in crisis mode)… I couldn’t believe the INSTANT relief I felt after doing it… I now keep a bowl of cold water in my fridge for when I need to ‘cool down’…

I’m worth being treated like a queen… I’m going to start treating myself like one… I deserve to do nice things for myself… I’m going to start eating better… I’m going to stop purging…

I’ve learnt that I don’t need a partner…

I’ve learnt that I do enrich peoples lives…

I’ve learnt that I’m not enough for some people and that’s ok… but I’m enough for those who love me…

All my life I’ve sought validation through other people particularly through the romantic relationships that I’ve had. I’ve always had the belief that I need to be loved by someone to be valid… to be important… to be worth something.

As mentioned briefly in a previous post I spend my time do things for other people… so much so that there isn’t anything left the tank for myself. In fact I take it as a personal insult if people don’t allow me to do things for them.

The more time I spend getting to become acquainted with myself the more I realise that the only person who can validate me is ME!! I can’t spend my time begging for acceptance from other people because I will constantly find myself disappointed.

As I was pondering yesterday it occurred to me that I don’t need to have a companion to feel validated… accepted and loved. It was such a liberating feeling… I felt ‘free’!!! I made the decision to take up the things that I use to love doing… cooking, baking, singing, playing bass guitar, reading and writing, entertaining (I was the hostess with the mostest), working out… just to mention a few.

Next month I start my nursing degree, which has been a life long dream. With this chosen vocation I will be able help and care for people whilst doing something that I love!! So it’s a win/win and I’m so excited about this new adventure!!

I think I may have digressed from the topic at hand however the above are things that will assist in rewiring by whole self to become the very best version of myself and therefore reaching self-validation, self worth and most importantly self love!!

As the eve of my thirty fifth birthday draws to a close I’ve been thinking about the past year and the multitude of blessings I have enjoyed.

My biggest blessing are my amazing children… their amazing personalities… their brilliant minds… their individual talents… the lessons they constantly teach me… their compassion… their love… The knowledge that I am capable of unconditional love…

My beautiful friends… the patience they have with me… the love they have for me (even when they want to smash my head against a brick wall)…

I’ve always had a roof over my head… food in my tummy… appropriate clothing for the season… the ability to be self sufficient.

I’ve never been without work.

Education is available to me.

The knowledge I’ve gained through my experiences- both good and bad…

Sometimes when things seem like they will never get better it’s hard to think about the positives that the universe throws at you…

Remember for every negative there is a positive!!!

I have constant feelings of guilt over my condition.

Judging my lack of emotional control.

Not being strong enough to get over it.

The inability to have positive relationships.

The self loathing.

Being told that I blame my condition on everyone else.

But none of this is my fault… I didn’t choose this… It’s just a hill I need to get over and I will… I know I will.

I will learn to love me… to see my inner and outer beauty…

Today for the first time in such a very long time I didn’t split.

It means that I can do it… I have the ability to be in control over this condition… as opposed to the condition having control over me…

There IS light at the end of the tunnel… I have the rest of my life ahead of me and it’s going to be amazing… I’m going to become the best possible version of me ever and I can’t wait to meet her!!!