What is mindfulness?

Intentionally living with awareness in the present moment, without judging or rejecting the moment, without attachment to the moment.

Wait… what??

Basically it’s the psychological process of bring our attention to what we are experiencing in our present moment without judgment.

Still huh? Yeah it takes a bit to get your head around… I’m still confused and I’m meant to practice this on a daily practice…

What do I do to stay in the present moment? Well it depends on the day and how I’m feeling. That being said meditation is a staple as is yoga (when I can physically do it- I currently have a back injury). Sometimes I will sit and focus on the cup of tea that I’m drinking… the smell… the colour… the texture… the taste… just the facts of what I’m seeing with my eyes, smelling with my nose, tasting with my tongue, without any evaluation eg is it good or bad? I actually did this last night in DBT with a piece of chocolate. People do it brushing their teeth, catching the bus, walking their dog… you can really do it with pretty much anything… I find that this forces me to bring my thoughts back to the exact moment that I’m in.

What the hell is ‘splitting’?

Splitting is considered a defence mechanism by which people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can view people, events, or even themselves in all or nothing terms.¹ Splitting allows them to readily discard things they have assigned as “bad” and to embrace things they consider “good,” even if those things are harmful or risky. http://verywellmind.com/defense-mechanisms-2795960

Considering I could not get to sleep AT ALL last night after meditating for an hour, writing, reading, watching episode after episode of Shameless (laying down watching TV always does the trick- my family take wages on how long I’ll last). I decided do some research on this term I keep hearing ‘splitting’…

Above is a brief outline of what I found on verywellmind.com. As I dug a little further I discovered there appears to be five different types of splitting (there may be more that I haven’t discovered as yet)… Let me introduce you to them…

1. Apathy Splitting
2. Rage Splitting
3. Sad Splitting
4. Preparation/Over analysing Splitting
5. Isolation Splitting

Apathy splitting leaves you feeling nothing, no emotion whatsoever. This can feel like heaven sometimes but it turns into hell eventually. So use to experiencing everything all at once it’s hard to knowhow to cope with this new numbness and can try and force yourself into feeling something (self harm, illegal activities, suicidal ideation etc). This type of split tends to follow the others as if you out of emotions during the outburst. A good rest can help it pass.

Rage splitting is a sudden anger that courses through our body when triggered or even without warning. Your chest tightens, your vision will tunnel. A burning aching feeling starts in the rib cage like your heart is trying to break out violently from your chest. The primary emotion is anger or intense rage. You can become downright infuriated with someone or something what could be no reason at all or underlying stress at the time of splitting. This type of split causes you to act impulsively, say things you shouldn’t say and lash out violently. It’s almost catharsis in the sense that it’s a release of emotions, or just this one overwhelming emotion. Sometimes you can’t even remember what you do or say during the split, and when looking back, the memory is always a blur. You don’t do it out or spite.

Sad splitting is a sudden feeling that the world is cold and empty and that nothing will ever bring you happiness, ever. This is also a symptom of depression and can be easily confused for one another. You feel hollow and alone, the world is dark and depressing. It’s a lingering feeling of despair and loneliness, however unlike depression splitting can last from a few hours to a month depending on the environmental factors. This can lead to not wanting to eat, chronic uncontrollable crying and becoming quiet and distant.

Preparation/over thinking splitting is more internal and isn’t normally acted on then an eerily good idea of what other people are going to say. Usually the scenario is imagined in the head of what somebody might say and how you might respond, everything from the best case to the worst. You start to gear up for this situation like it’s going to happen, maybe even prepare kits or carry essentials to prepare for it. You can begin to hate a person for a conversation you haven’t had and what they said was purely in your head. Then when the time comes and it doesn’t happen it can feel disappointing or saddening. Most importantly however the feelings of imagined anger and betrayal linger and affect how you see that person and how you treat them and can cause more types of splitting to follow.

Isolation splitting is bought on by an extreme fear of abandonment and usually blindsides you unexpectedly out of nowhere. You get an overwhelming feeling that everybody hates you. Not only that but you have the desire to prove yourself wrong so you do the most rational (in this case irrational) thing you can think of to notice you, you cut yourself off. This can be anything from cutting people out of your life aggressively, to withdrawing from social events and conversations hoping desperately that someone will check on you. If you get noticed it releases a kind of euphoria, or if it isn’t noticed and you will rage split on yourself (self harm, risky behaviour etc)

I actually understand myself so much more after coming across this… and you know what… I can see light at the end of the tunnel- even though I’m now utterly exhausted and I can hear my kids getting ready for school… Damn it!!! On the plus side I’m having coffee with the soul sister this morning!!!

It appears one of the side effects of my new medication is insomnia… Mother fucker!!!

Although I’ve always had trouble sleeping, this is just getting plain ridiculous!!

How am I meant to take control of my condition if my mind won’t allow me any respite from my thoughts?

I’m frustrated… I’m exhausted in every possible way… I was doing so well… I was feeling better then I had ever felt… what’s gone wrong?

I can hear cars driving past my house… who on earth is up at 2am?

If I were to describe my mind at this very moment it looks like black scribble… but at the same time it’s foggy… I feel disassociated with the world around me… but instead of being in a fairytale place I’m in this black hole that’s so deep I can’t see any light… although I know it’s there… there we go there is a positive thought- look at me go… the first positive thought I’ve had in what feels like forever… It’s a start…

I’m feeling angry and hurt that the one person that I’ve asked to be there for me just isn’t… that being said the exact same thing happened about six years ago… maybe I’m just too hard and it’s easier for people to pretend I don’t exist when I’m ‘splitting’… everyone leaves… everyone always leaves… even though they promise me that they won’t…

Maybe I should get use to being on my own because then I won’t be left broken hearted… I don’t think I’ve ever really just done my own thing… I’ve been so pre-occupied with making sure everyone else achieves their goals… that everyones lives are as easy as I can possibly make it… I literally live to serve… But in the process I’ve left myself behind… I don’t even know who the hell I am… I’ve always moulded myself into what others have wanted me to be… How do I stop that cycle? How do I discover myself? I mean I know I have to completely reprogram everything about me but I just can’t comprehend how I can physically do that…

Now I’m exhausted rambling…

Night x

Binge drinking… starvation… binge eating… throw up… repeat…

Fixated on overdosing on my tablets…

Fixated on driving my car into a brick wall…

Fixated on slashing my wrists…

Anything to make this pain stop…

To make my mind stop…

To not wake up is my ultimate fantasy…

The only respite I get are the few hours of sleep my body allows me and that’s few and far between.

Staying in bed for days on end…

Not showering for even longer…

Screaming for help but no one comes.

Emptiness…

I need to break this cycle… but how?

‘When we heal ourselves, we heal the next generation that follows. Pain is passed through the family line until someone is ready to feel it, heal it, and let go’. -Phoebe Garnsworthy http://instagram.com/bpd_warriors

From a very early age I decided that children were not in my future plans. I did not know how to be a mum. Perhaps you’re thinking ‘who does know how to be a mum in the beginning? It’s a role you grow into right?’, and yes you I would say that that is pretty accurate however I was missing one very crucial element that I believed damned me forever in terms of being a mother… that was a present mother of my own. Now that’s not to say that she wasn’t around physically because she was always home but she wasn’t there emotionally. This meant that I have never received that unconditional love from a mother to her child and that alone has aided me in developing a very unhealthy and unrealistic view of love in my adult relationships. I don’t believe the lack of love she had to give to me was her fault because I don’t know her story. The last time I was in the UK I actually tried asking my family to tell me about my mother in her younger years but they were all very tight lipped, in fact i believe it would have been easier to extract blood out of a stone then it was to come closer to trying to understand what has moulded mum into mum.

Growing up I felt a lot of resentment from her and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I good enough? What can I do better or what can I change to make mum love me? As I got older I was reminded how fat and ugly I was (keep in mind I’ve never been over weight). When I asked to play netball I was told that I’m to useless to play sport, besides who would want me on their team and I look ridiculous when I run. When I was INVITED to audition for the National Youth Choir I was told I have no talent so don’t waste everyone’s time, besides I’d just embarrass myself.

As a teenager I was raped more then once and mum told me that it was my fault- I’m nothing but a filthy whore. She continues to remind me of her views on that particular subject to this day.

So like I was saying I did not have a very positive role model in terms of motherhood.

Lets fast forward to 2005 just after my twentieth birthday I married my first husband.

What comes after marrying a good christian boy? Yep you guessed it… babies… and apparently time was not to be wasted as I fell pregnant on our honeymoon. Excitement was definitely not an emotion I was feeling. Anger… fear… inadequacy are probably closer to the emotions I was experiencing. Have you heard the phrase ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’? I knew I’d become just like my mother and destroy this small person that was growing inside of me. As the pregnancy progressed I became more and more ill and was hospitalised on several occasions causing me to feel resentment towards this thing. It was suggested to me that perhaps I should write a journal to this beautiful gift from God… and you know what? I had absolutely nothing positive or loving to write down… I felt like a failure.

When my daughter was born she was beautiful however she didn’t sleep and all she did was cry- it didn’t matter what I did… it was never enough. My mother in law would pass on the judgement by tutting because I could’t settle my baby. She actually told my dad on my twenty first birthday that if he had any influence over me at all then he would teach me to be a decent mother- or words to that effect. If that isn’t kicking a girl when she is down then I don’t know what is. Anyway as time went on and more babies came along (four in total in 5 years), this motherhood thing became more natural and I found myself loving it. Loving my children. It was amazing. We were developing an amazing relationship, a relationship that I didn’t think I would ever be capable of. But guess what.. I AM!!! My children know unconditional love from their mum!! They know how lucky I am to be their mum. They know how beautiful and handsome (in the case of my son)… how talented they are and that they can do anything if they put their minds to it.. and that I will ALWAYS support them. On top of my own amazing children I also have two spectacular step children who I truly love as unconditionally as I do my own. I may not have been there when they were younger but I love watching them grow into remarkable adults. I’m so lucky to be their step mum and to have them in my life!!

I’m not my mother… I’ve broken free!!!

‘The thing about BPD is that it makes you feel like a child. Since most of us weren’t allowed to express our emotions when we were young, we have so much trouble regulating them now and it can be embarrassing when we’re not able to deal with them in a restrained manner’. http://instagram.com/borderlinesurvivor

I come across countless inspirational quotes everyday but this one really resonated with me. When I’m triggered I become irrational, angry, at times I can go into a full blown rage, at the time of these what I call episodes, I know that I’m being irrational but I just can’t seem to stop it, and I get so angry at myself, I punish myself through various forms of self harm… starvation (I don’t deserve food)… cutting (to have a release of the pain I’m constantly in)… isolation (I don’t deserve to have people in my life). I feel stupid and embarrassed every time I have an ‘episode’. I push the love that people try to give me away because I don’t believe I deserve it… the crazy thing about it is that I don’t even realise that I’m doing it. But that is what happens when you can’t regulate your emotions.

My triggers are things that I can’t change because the bulk of them are from my past and the ones that aren’t are the actions of other people that again I can’t change and I’m the ONLY person it effects. I’m currently learning how to manage these irrational emotions by learning to be present in the moment not stuck in the past where my triggers lay because it only stunts my growth and I deserve to grow!!

Today I made the decision to not be a slave to my mind that never seems to give me respite from the negative thoughts that it seems to obsess over.

I got up and showered… this is a massive improvement from yesterdays attempt (although I eventually did get there)… I got dressed and met my soul sister for our weekly coffee. I almost cancelled because I hated what I saw in the mirror… an ugly woman that’s only good for one thing… I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on that…

As I left my house my partner called me to ask if I wanted to accompany him on a drive to run some errands for his business… I can’t express how good this made me feel… this amazing man actually wanted to spend the morning with me!! How I’m worthy of that I’ll never know…

My usual coffee date with my soul sister usually lasts about an hour due to our busy schedules however we were almost together for three hours and I’m so grateful that we were. This woman has been my rock for close to six years but today I was finally able to be completely comfortable to introduce her to the real me… the good the bad and the ugly… and you know what… it felt fucking AMAZING!!! I was able to admit that I can be completely irrational about everything. I could confide in her that I spend most of my time in a fantasy world to escape my challenging reality that I just don’t have the strength to face… and you know what there was no judgement, I was so scared that I’d loose my best friend… the woman I love the most… and to be honest I couldn’t handle that. There are honestly no words that I can use to describe the love that I have for this woman… so many times this woman has saved my sanity…

Tonight I had CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) which is a type of group therapy (generally group activities scare the shit out of me… and to be honest I didn’t think I’d get anything out of it) however CBT had become the highlight of my week!! When I arrived home I found my partner and my beautiful step son (ssshhhh he is one of my favourite people in the world) at my house moving my furniture from my bedroom into my lounge room in preparation for carpet cleaning in the morning. I’ve never felt worthy of love however these people truely love me and the feeling is almost suffocating (in every good way possible) my heart feels like its going to burst!!!

It’s time to focus positive and live in the present…

I AM WORTHY OF LOVE!!!

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – A condition I was diagnosed with at the age of seventeen… almost twenty years ago.

How did I feel about this back then?

‘How dare she tell me I’m crazy!!’

‘I’m NOT fucking crazy!! Am I…?’

‘What the fuck does she know’

‘Dumb fucking bitch- I need to get the fuck out of here’

Fast forward to a few weeks shy of my thirty fifth birthday with three failed marriages under my belt, two religious conversions, countess toxic decisions and coming damn close to loosing the love of my life. I stop and find myself thinking ‘what the fuck is wrong with me?’

Over the years I’ve seen multiple doctors who have given me multiple diagnosis including depression, anxiety and bipolar and lets not forget the multitudes of medications i was put on from anti- depressants, to anti- psychotics and whatever is in between. I found some temporary relief from some of these drugs however like I said it was always TEMPORARY. I hated my life, and everything about myself, which resulted in several occasions of self-harm, and daily thoughts of suicide. I was barely existing.

A memory that I had long ago suppressed began to float to mind. What if that psychiatrist was right? What if I actually did have BPD? Did that mean that I really was crazy?

So I did what I do best… I researched the fuck out of it.

Like every disorder there is a list of symptoms that are used for diagnosis purposes, here are some that I came accross…

• Fear of abandonment – Check
• Unstable relationships – Check
• Impulsive, self destructive behaviours – Check
• Self harm – Check
• Extreme emotional swings – Check
• Chronic feelings of emptiness – Check
• Explosive anger – Check
• Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality – Check

Shit!! now what? Maybe I should have listened when I was a teenager. Why was I so stupid? Do I really want to face this now? I want to be happy, but do I deserve it? I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t think I could bare the embarrassment of admitting to people that I have this condition (if I do, that is). So what did I do? I sucked up my pride and spoke to my partner about my suspicions and we read through whatever information we could find and he said “hmmm, well this is all making sense, I think you should go and see our Doctor”. I was sent to see a psychiatrist which bought up a lot of negative feelings however in the end it was a far better experience then I had all those years ago. She helped me to understand that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong me. That there is hope for me to be happy and to overcome this debilitating condition. It’s going to take years of therapy combined with medication. Can I even do this? Absolutely I can!!!