Three Years On…

It’s been three years since my last post.

My Dad often encouraged me to start writing again.

I believed I had nothing else worth saying.

The purpose of this blog was to explore and share my personal experiences about living with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I think the time has come for this girl to start sharing again…

Apologies… Broken Trust… Repeat…

For those who know me, I believe in acknowledging my wrongdoings and apologising for them. Up until a few days ago I naively allowed certain people into my life, believing that I was doing the right thing – not just for me but also for my family. A number of years ago there were a number of toxic exchanges between myself and this particular person (which I still stand by my opinions at the time), I decided it was time to put them behind me. So I contacted this person and genuinely apologised for my part in these exchanges. They accepted my apology – however, did not apologise or even acknowledge their parts in these past exchanges. I decided not to dwell on this… perhaps I should have…

The months went by without incident… conversations were had… advice was shared… hell there were even a couple of laughs… I had let my guard down… believing some sort of ‘friendship’ or at least some sort of mutual respect had been formed… believing this person was genuine I continued to allow them in… Even though that still small voice was warning me not to… Yes… I know… you would think that after all these years I would have learnt to listen to it… Apparently, I’m a painfully slow learner.

It was very recently bought to my attention that my attempts to heal past wounds actually transformed me into a laughing stock. People who I loved and respected and who I believed loved and respected me in return were all gossiping and laughing behind my back… Of course I felt humiliated and stupid, however, I was told that it was MY fault that this had happened… I should not have contacted this person… I made a fool of myself… I was the embarrassment…

What s funny though is although I tried to do what I believed at the time was the right thing… I was the one that was ridiculed and held responsible for the aftermath… I was held responsible for the actions of this vile and poisonous individual… I am the one who has been left with so much anger and sadness… I am the one who was betrayed…

Beware of the wolf in sheeps clothing…

Bloody Myths…

I don’t go on Facebook all that often, but I had a mindless scroll through the other day and something popped up that immediately caused me to see red… and what was worse was that it was posted on one of the Borderline Personality ‘support’ pages that I WAS a member of… So what was it that got me so riled up you ask? Well… take a look at this… UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

It’s things like this that continue to feed the bullshit misconceptions and stigma surrounding this completely EXHAUSTING condition!!!

So I am going to put a few misconceptions to rest…

Those of us who co-exist with BPD DO NOT have more then ONE personality!!!
People with BPD symptoms over dramatise thier symptoms purely to get attention… I find this one almost amusing… Why would anyone even contemplate the belief that we enjoy the chaos and the lonliness that comes from BPD? That’s almost as laughable as telling a diabetic that they are injecting themselves with insulin before every meal because it feels good…
Only women have Borderline Personality Disorder… Again… not true… while we do make up the majority… anyone can have BPD… While this myth may not appear to be hurtful… it can be devistating for men experiencing BPD symptoms as they may be more reluctant to seek help in fear that he will be judged harshly by family and friends, practitioners and society…
BPD is caused purely frm childhood trauma… (now admitidly I did believe this to be true until I began to delve deeper into my research on the condition)… Yes childhood trauma is a risk factor… but it’s not the single cause… The National Institute on Mental Health argues that having a family history of BPD is a risk factor… people with BPD have unexplained changes in the area of the brain that controls impulses and emotions… and enviromental and social factors can trigger BPD symptoms…
Boarderline Personality is rare… Although is can feel like you are the only one suffering from this shitty illness… it is a big fat FALSE… BPD affects millions… studies in the United States have shown that 1 in 50 will be diagnosed with BPD in their lifetime…
People with BPD are purposely manipulative and attention seekers… NO… JUST… NO… If it appears that someone with BPD are acting in this way it is due to their desperation to feel well and avoid seperation and rejection…
Suicide threats by people co-existing with BPD don’t need to be taken seriously… I mean.. seriously?? I can’t even believe I have to write this… EVERY SUICIDE THREAT NEEDS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!! Ten percent of people with BPD will commit suicide… while many more will engage in suicide attemps and self-harm…
Dialectical Behavioural Therapy is the only therapy for BPD… While this form of talk therapy was designed to treat BPD symptoms (and is AMAZING by the way)… there are other forms of treatment that are suitable and effective in the treatment and managment of BPD such as Cognitive Behavoural Therapy, and mental health treatments that directly target causes and risk factors of BPD such as medication and psychotherapy…
People with BPD aren’t capable of love… My goodness… EVERYONE is capable of love… We have the ability to love and be loved… While we struggle to manage our emotions and behaviour and can lead to regrettable actions, making relationships more difficult… It is essential that everyone exercises patience…
People with BPD are unbearable… Please… I’m an absolute fucking delight!!! Living with ANYONE who co-exists with mental illness is challenging… but so can be living with someone without mental illness… This is just a really unfair assumption…
People with BPD are a danger to society… *Sigh… We are far more likely to hurt ourselves then other people… Remember the considerable suicide rate mentioned above?
Boarderline Personality is not treatable… Of course it is bloody treatable!!! Yes it is one of the most difficult conditons to treat due to its complexity… but it is absolutley treatable… Two key things that make BPD treatment successful are to start treatment as soon as possible and commit it to long term… the longer you wait the bigger the risk of developing unhealthy coping mechanisms which will be more challenging to be reprogrammed… and evidence based treatments such as DBT… CBT… have proven to be effective… as to are medications like antidepressants and mood stabilisers are vry effecting when paired with psychotherapy…

So who will stand with me to continue to debunk these myths? Who will join me in advocating for people like me who find themselves so lonely and lost in their heads? It’s time we made a stand and provide education about Borderline Personality Disorder!!! We are losing too many beautiful people to this ugly condition!!

Next time we will talk about what BPD is…

TheEverEvolvingGirl xx

But You Look So Normal…

But you look so normal… If I had a dollar of the amount of times I have been told that… well i probably wouldn’t need to work another day in my life – ok… slight over exaggeration… but I’ve heard it ALOT!! It’s funny – I never quite know how to respond… blank face… slow blink… polite smile… laughter… maybe all of the above? Actually usually all of the above… Sometimes I make a joke – “what am I meant to have an extra head or something?” Apparently I’m not a comedian – although I think I’m freaking hilarious…

The thing about mental illness is that you can’t see it… One of my closest friends described it beautifully when she called it a ‘silent disability’. I loved that description because it is true – so many people who coexist with mental illness display no signs… they ‘look so normal’ – even to their most inner circle… I have actually been told that I’m too ‘beautiful’ to be mentally ill (insert eyebrow raise here…) what do I even say to that?? Um… Thanks??

When someone commits suicide, their family, friends, work colleagues etc often reply with “but there were no signs”, “if only we had known”… The thing is mental health is not completely silent… there are signs regardless of how small… there are ALWAYS there… we just need to open our eyes and see.

Coexisting with this silent disability is the loneliest of lives – even for an introvert like me… the signs I was unintentionally emitting going unnoticed for years by those who were close… until they could be ignored no longer… we all know what happened there…

KABOOM

Yep… was not pretty… It is so much easier to remain in a state of blindness… But what if we lived in a world where people are seen… I mean REALLY seen… Then what if we don’t ignore what we SEE… What if we were to acknowledge what we see… What if we were to act on what we see… Close your eyes for just a minute and visualise that world… What do you see? What do you feel? Do you feel anything at all? Tell me!! I want to know what you see!!

I personally do not see a ‘perfect’ world – because there will always be unbalance. I do however envision a world where people aren’t afraid to call for HELP!! Where not only is your cry heard… but people come running!! (maybe not literally – my children and partner have actually asked me not to run EVER – something about it being embarrassing to watch or some such thing…) I envision people leaning on each other… Loving each other… Trusting each other… A world where there is no shame in stumbling from time to time… but when you do someone catches you… they lift you up… then safety envelopes you…

Approximately eight million people lose their lives every year due to mental health disorders… Unlike other conditions that have been eradicated through world wide vaccination programs… The only way we can get on top of it, is to stop ignoring its existence… But who is willing to open their eyes…

Are you??

A Year On…

So It has been a year since my disastrous mental breakdown (I mean, really, is there any other way to have one?) and this is what I have learnt…

Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) works… I mean it like really works!! I will be completing the 12 week DBT course this afternoon and I am so excited to start the 6 month course.
Mindfulness is a real thing… not just something that ‘hippies’ talk about… however it is something that is really difficult to practice and it takes sooooo much dedication and discipline to achieve… I also learnt that it is impossible to be in this state of mind continuously (at least it is for me… some days I took the ‘fuck this’ attitude and went back to bed). To be able to balance your emotional mind and your rational mind, finding a happy medium is just exhausting- but absolutely worth it!!
Sometimes ‘it just is’… and that is perfectly ok… feel the emotion… express the emotion…
Sometimes our emotions deceive us… at times when we think we are angry we actually aren’t angry… huh? This is where mindfulness comes into play…
Your brain actually heats up when you are feeling extremely distressed… For me the best way to counteract this is to plunge my head into a bowl of ice water… in fact I keep a bowl of ‘ice’ water in the fridge for such an occasion and my kids have labelled it ‘Mum’s cranky water’…
We learn how to manage our emotions as children… guess what… if you aren’t taught how to do it… how can you possibly do it as an adult?
Establishing and maintaining meaningful relationships (see point 6)…
Sometimes people are just shit… we can’t control how others act and/or treat us… we can only control how we react…
Zoloft should never be taken at night… (hence the 2am blog post)…
My insomnia hasn’t disappeared…
Sometimes your values and self respect are more important then winning the argument…
Disassociation can last for months!!!
Western techniques and holistic approaches go hand in hand when treating mental health…
There is always light at the end of the tunnel…

The most important thing I believe I have learnt is…

LOVE STARTS WITH YOU

Self care is the key to laying the foundations for living your best life!!

Validation- The realisation

“If outside validation is your only source of nourishment; you will be hungry for the rest of your life.” (anon. n.d)

I came about this quote yesterday, while mindlessly scrolling through instagram. As I do, I started to analyse the words I had just read and how they apply to me.

Now, I’m the first person to admit that I need validation (and I mean A LOT of it)- but I mean doesn’t everybody? There are days where I’m sure I drive my partner crazy with my constant need to be validated.

Over the past couple of months I’ve been trying to look into my world as an outsider looking in… this was not always a fun exercise as there were things about me that I didn’t particularly want to see.

I’m the person who drops everything for everyone- and I always have, to the point where I completely neglect my own needs and become completely overwhelmed and breakdown. Delegation is not a strength I possess.

I asked the question ‘Why? Why do I do this to myself?’ The answer I came up with is ‘I need to be needed’. Being needed validates my entire existence. Then something amazing happened… I had spinal surgery which has rendered me incapacitated in terms of physically doing anything for anyone… Has my world stopped? No! Am I still loved? Yes!

I’ve found myself in the most remarkable position where I’m happy to not be searching for that validation ‘fix’ to fill my constant hunger, and I must say, it’s pretty bloody liberating!!

Judgment…

It’s a funny thing.

All through time we have been taught not to judge others; but why is, what should be a straight forward thing, be so difficult?

Why do we do this? Is it because we are experts on everyone else’s journeys? Could it perhaps elevate our own personal state of importance? Maybe even give our own merger lives some form of depth and richness?

What if, however; the shoe was on the other foot and we were the ones being judged. Would we still be able to sleep soundly at night? If our thoughts of others were worn on our skin, would we still be seen as beautiful?

Maybe the question needs to be asked, ‘is what I’m thinking going to benefit anyone or will it only hinder?’. ‘Will it uplift or discourage?’. What if this is being said about me? How would that make me feel? How would I react?

Why is it so hard to just accept people’s shortcomings?

Be the first you…

I heard this term in a movie I watched last night with my children called ‘Fighting with my family’ (if you like wrestling… absolutely one to watch).

This got me thinking about my past experiences, and how I kept morphing into what I believed society wanted me to be. Not just society but people in my social circles. I think I should have been called ‘the chameleon’. I was never thin enough, or not pretty enough. Too quiet, yet too opinionated. The one thing that was a constant with me though, was my submissiveness. Being the door mat, is not what I wanted to teach my children.

‘Be the first you’ is a message that has been stuck in my head all day. It made me stop and think about who I am… I know I’ve grown in the past three months… but who am I?

I’m a daughter

I’m a mother

I’m a partner

I’m a friend

I’m a student

I’m a blogger (apparently)

I’m talented

I’m beautiful

I’m smart

I’m funny

I’m loyal

I’m empathetic

I’m adventurous

I’m experienced

I’m passionate

I’m feisty

I’m an overthinker

I’m INDESTRUCTABLE!!!

I’m HAPPY!!!

So although I’m still discovering who I am, so far I think I’m a pretty cool chick!!

The advise my soul sister (remember her?) gave me in regards to this was

‘And be the last. Nobody will be like you. There will never be another!!!’

Bedlam

Earlier today I attempted to do my families weekly grocery shop.

Ive not had an anxiety attack in public for quite some time however what should have been a simple trip to Woolies has succeeded in breaking that streak.

As Australians we pride ourselves in standing together, being as one. But in all honestly this couldn’t be further then the bloody truth and it’s absolutely disgraceful!!

When did it become socially acceptable to punch on over toilet paper? Yes we sit and have a giggle at the various videos that are posted all over social media (I can’t say that I’m not guilty of that), but has anyone stopped to think ‘what have we, as a nation become?’ Where are our values? Where are our morals? Most importantly, What are we teaching our children? That it’s ok to be greedy and take more then what is needed, leaving the cup empty for the next person? Is the example being set that ‘I am worthier then everyone else, therefor I deserve to take more then my share?’

We are abusing each other. We are abusing the supermarket employees, I’m pretty positive that they are not at fault for everyones greed, and if they are then WOW… that’s some pretty powerful shit!!!

I believe that every negative has a positive, however; I’m finding it really very difficult to find it in this situation.

Bitch…

It’s no secret that I love to sing… and a song came on spotify called ‘Bitch’… by Meredith Brooks.

I loved this song as a teenager as it’s quite catchy and then there was a parody called ‘Bloke’ by Chris Franklin, which is freaking hilarious!!! Definitely worth a listen to when you need a bit of a giggle..

The other day was the first time I really took notice of Brook’s lyrics and it was like she has been in my head for the past twenty years…’

I thought I’d share the lyrics here…

I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know but I can’t change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in-between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won’t mean a thing

I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

Just when you think
You’ve got me figured out
The season’s already changin’
I think it’s cool you do what you do
And don’t try to save me

I’m a bitch
I’m a tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
When you hurt
When you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numb
I’m revived
Can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other

Source: MusixmatchSongwriters: Brooks Meredith Anne / Peiken ShellyBitch lyrics © Kissing Booth Music, Sushi Too, Sushi Too Music

The last three lines really resonate with me right now. I am revived and I wouldn’t have it any other way!!!