Insomnia…

It appears one of the side effects of my new medication is insomnia… Mother fucker!!!

Although I’ve always had trouble sleeping, this is just getting plain ridiculous!!

How am I meant to take control of my condition if my mind won’t allow me any respite from my thoughts?

I’m frustrated… I’m exhausted in every possible way… I was doing so well… I was feeling better then I had ever felt… what’s gone wrong?

I can hear cars driving past my house… who on earth is up at 2am?

If I were to describe my mind at this very moment it looks like black scribble… but at the same time it’s foggy… I feel disassociated with the world around me… but instead of being in a fairytale place I’m in this black hole that’s so deep I can’t see any light… although I know it’s there… there we go there is a positive thought- look at me go… the first positive thought I’ve had in what feels like forever… It’s a start…

I’m feeling angry and hurt that the one person that I’ve asked to be there for me just isn’t… that being said the exact same thing happened about six years ago… maybe I’m just too hard and it’s easier for people to pretend I don’t exist when I’m ‘splitting’… everyone leaves… everyone always leaves… even though they promise me that they won’t…

Maybe I should get use to being on my own because then I won’t be left broken hearted… I don’t think I’ve ever really just done my own thing… I’ve been so pre-occupied with making sure everyone else achieves their goals… that everyones lives are as easy as I can possibly make it… I literally live to serve… But in the process I’ve left myself behind… I don’t even know who the hell I am… I’ve always moulded myself into what others have wanted me to be… How do I stop that cycle? How do I discover myself? I mean I know I have to completely reprogram everything about me but I just can’t comprehend how I can physically do that…

Now I’m exhausted rambling…

Night x