The Mum hat…

‘When we heal ourselves, we heal the next generation that follows. Pain is passed through the family line until someone is ready to feel it, heal it, and let go’. -Phoebe Garnsworthy http://instagram.com/bpd_warriors

From a very early age I decided that children were not in my future plans. I did not know how to be a mum. Perhaps you’re thinking ‘who does know how to be a mum in the beginning? It’s a role you grow into right?’, and yes you I would say that that is pretty accurate however I was missing one very crucial element that I believed damned me forever in terms of being a mother… that was a present mother of my own. Now that’s not to say that she wasn’t around physically because she was always home but she wasn’t there emotionally. This meant that I have never received that unconditional love from a mother to her child and that alone has aided me in developing a very unhealthy and unrealistic view of love in my adult relationships. I don’t believe the lack of love she had to give to me was her fault because I don’t know her story. The last time I was in the UK I actually tried asking my family to tell me about my mother in her younger years but they were all very tight lipped, in fact i believe it would have been easier to extract blood out of a stone then it was to come closer to trying to understand what has moulded mum into mum.

Growing up I felt a lot of resentment from her and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I good enough? What can I do better or what can I change to make mum love me? As I got older I was reminded how fat and ugly I was (keep in mind I’ve never been over weight). When I asked to play netball I was told that I’m to useless to play sport, besides who would want me on their team and I look ridiculous when I run. When I was INVITED to audition for the National Youth Choir I was told I have no talent so don’t waste everyone’s time, besides I’d just embarrass myself.

As a teenager I was raped more then once and mum told me that it was my fault- I’m nothing but a filthy whore. She continues to remind me of her views on that particular subject to this day.

So like I was saying I did not have a very positive role model in terms of motherhood.

Lets fast forward to 2005 just after my twentieth birthday I married my first husband.

What comes after marrying a good christian boy? Yep you guessed it… babies… and apparently time was not to be wasted as I fell pregnant on our honeymoon. Excitement was definitely not an emotion I was feeling. Anger… fear… inadequacy are probably closer to the emotions I was experiencing. Have you heard the phrase ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’? I knew I’d become just like my mother and destroy this small person that was growing inside of me. As the pregnancy progressed I became more and more ill and was hospitalised on several occasions causing me to feel resentment towards this thing. It was suggested to me that perhaps I should write a journal to this beautiful gift from God… and you know what? I had absolutely nothing positive or loving to write down… I felt like a failure.

When my daughter was born she was beautiful however she didn’t sleep and all she did was cry- it didn’t matter what I did… it was never enough. My mother in law would pass on the judgement by tutting because I could’t settle my baby. She actually told my dad on my twenty first birthday that if he had any influence over me at all then he would teach me to be a decent mother- or words to that effect. If that isn’t kicking a girl when she is down then I don’t know what is. Anyway as time went on and more babies came along (four in total in 5 years), this motherhood thing became more natural and I found myself loving it. Loving my children. It was amazing. We were developing an amazing relationship, a relationship that I didn’t think I would ever be capable of. But guess what.. I AM!!! My children know unconditional love from their mum!! They know how lucky I am to be their mum. They know how beautiful and handsome (in the case of my son)… how talented they are and that they can do anything if they put their minds to it.. and that I will ALWAYS support them. On top of my own amazing children I also have two spectacular step children who I truly love as unconditionally as I do my own. I may not have been there when they were younger but I love watching them grow into remarkable adults. I’m so lucky to be their step mum and to have them in my life!!

I’m not my mother… I’ve broken free!!!